A Software Downgrade For My Body & Brain Aches – But A Very Content The Fear
This could be a million blogs in one.
I’ve waited 19 months for the eureka, it’s a miracle, following the last throw of the dice, namely the brain chop in Barcelona.
But no. Life’s journey was obviously not meant to be that way. I’ve been in an ever decreasing circle, a software downgrade, and strangely, I couldn’t give a flying…… Of course, I would have preferred it to all go my way, but life, health, and challenges, aren’t always like that.
The conclusion.
Still the same. Get up, get out, live.
I’ve adapted. I’m spazzing (and yes, I will own that word, use that word and sod anyone who wants to be petty and pretend to be offended), falling, gimping, and at one stage, I wasn’t even talking right (and we all know I like to talk – not small talk and only to those I choose to, but still, I can go on!)
Today. I washed my car. Unremarkable really. But for me, it has taken a couple of weeks to get the energy up, and then I put stools by the side of the car and had a seat at the end, for when I needed to sit down.
The same. Get up, get out, live. I could easily have taken it to be washed, but I wanted to do it, so I did. I waited, I waited, I waited again.
I sold my business (50% my business to be exact) just before covid/lockdown. It was time. I’m proud to have built something that had a saleable value to be honest, and to pay my way, and as many who have read my book know, something that got me off sickness benefits (that I didn’t have to come off, they weren’t means tested) … and the idea then was to get out amongst the forests and the woods, to ‘be’ and to chill. I’ve not been well enough, so…
I brought the forests and the woods into my place. I’ve re-done my coach-style house, and brought in loads of plants, I’m growing things, taking cuttings, but also just totally chilling. I wake up to the view of a freeze of a jungle, that is then supplemented by plants.
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The conclusion?
Adapt.
I stopped blogging at a certain point during covid, because there is a time to ‘preach’ and a time for people to just find their own ways through life, which is often great, but probably more often, a mindfuck. Also, to be fair, I was struggling to just get up, let alone ‘get out, live’.
But, far from being defeated by this, and Barca cost me upward of £15 000 for something that hasn’t ‘worked’, I think I’ve won. I got a great understanding of the massive damage within, the respect and time they gave me, walking me through scans from the noggin to the base of my spine, showing me all the many things that make up a very challenged/differently abled body. I walked out clearly thinking ‘ok… I’m now proud of myself for what I’ve done’ as opposed to the usual second guessing, or self recrimination (from years of doctors quite wrongly saying there was nothing wrong – if you want to know about that, then sod it, buy the book, {it is free on kindle and as cheap as possible in paperback} If you read the reviews, you’ll see it has impacted on people.
The conclusion?
Fuck it, Get up, get out, live’. Honestly people, you never know, you can’t live your life in fear (steady on) but you should grab life by the goolies when you can, you never know when your circumstances might change. And for those with less than ideal circumstances, my advice – and of course you don’t have to take it – is make the best of what you have, instead of dreaming of your ideal.
My ideal is up the mountains, in my fabulous gym (20 months and counting since I’ve been able to use it, I really don’t think there can be a safe return to that – just sold a good few hundred quid of equipment) out in the woods, the forests, off for my old walks (in pain from the legs, but out and about nevertheless) and so on. The reality, I often get up. That can be it. I sit down, I gimp, I spaz, and I could whinge.
The reality though, I look around, I have a lovely place, I have bought a ridiculously big tv, I have the plants to look at and take care of, Alexa at my bequest turns my lights on and off (which I find funny/fun), and plays me music to my hearts content. I whatsapp with mates, I share my awful jokes, I pass the time of day – and most will agree, usually either funnily or positively – in my forum and on facebook (apart from some good old fashioned, rum induced, angry politics)
I genuinely think ‘it is what it is’. I like my mantra, not sure where I got it,
I accept was is.
I let go of what was.
I have faith in what will be.
Again. Fuck it. What you going to do?
In the time I’ve got even more challenged, I can’t even walk properly without legs going all over the shop – but I can walk – that is surely the thing to focus on, not the limping/gimping/falling? I have also written the poem for Dennis Mortimer to read out at Ron Saunders funeral. That ended up being talked about on the radio by the night, apparently got a standing ovation outside the church, and got a few there getting in touch with me saying it was bang on. I wrote the prologue to the AV40 league winners book – imagine the honour being asked to do that? I’ve advised people how to cope with their issues, I’ve even made many of you groan/laugh. Oh, and I went to a Kasabian concert, in a right two-and-eight, and at the end, walking stick and all, thought fuck it, and joined my two mates in the mosh. Oh and released a book of poems. Oh and got taken back on, by the company who bought me out, to run a department (if I can’t get out as much, I might as well do something constructive!) and am loving the opportunity. It fits my lifestyle fabulously and has meant I don’t have the stress of having to get down to London for meetings as well.
The conclusion.
Just concentrate on what you have, not what you would like. I’m not saying don’t strive, show ambition, or look to push on, but I AM saying, don’t put your life on hold for when everything is ideal for you. It might never be ideal. But if you are breathing, it is life. I could be bitter, I just can’t be bothered, what would that achieve?
It is strange, for nearly two years, I’ve promised to update people about Barcelona, not sure I need to blog about that now, it was so long ago – very strange time it has to be said – and I just haven’t had the mental energy. Tonight I thought make a start, and in fact, I am now telling myself, it is time to stop typing, otherwise this blog will be overload.
Make people smile. Make yourself smile. Don’t look at others jealously thinking they have it all, quite often the saddest people are the ones that look like they have everything. Don’t wait for life to be ideal, it won’t be, not for most, just give it a bloody good crack, I genuinely think – life is just a test, just a journey, and so why not try to make the best of it, no matter what?
I do miss my punchbags though, and my shrinking triceps. And I certainly wouldn’t mind getting my legs back to some decent form, instead of the slightly ministry of funny walks they provide these days… Hey, I’m not perfect.
As the wise words say, life is a journey, not a destination. Just as well really, takes me fucking ages to walk anywhere these days.
Peace – love and don’t forget – get up, get out, live.
(I actually wrote this a few weeks back, then wasn’t sure whether to publish, then mom was rushed into hospital/she’d not long since had a stroke, then dad copied and had one… so finally got round to publishing it.)
